PANDORA: The Lick My BOXX Tour!

Why have one ideal show, when you can have a whole f*cking tour! That's right bitches, my own damn tour! We'd go everywhere across the globe spreading fabulousity and glittered lip gloss to everyone!

Accompanying me on my tour would be the hilarious Kathy Griffin who would be my "partner-in-crime" as we roasted celebrities in the audience like Courtney Love (she might even be passed out so she wouldn't know) and Juliette Lewis so we can have some crowd surfing and kick ass rocker chicks, Cameron Diaz, Goldie Hawn and Jenny McCarthy so we can have that mixture of beauty and humor, and Oprah because she is God isn't she? The list, like the beat, goes on.

Joining me on stage would be the fabulous talents of Cyndi Lauper (one of my idols and an amazing performer live) who would do a kick ass set to get everyone rocking, followed by a little more comedy from hysterical Margaret Cho. And then we'd hit them with some more comedy when I join the fabulous ladies of Saturday Night Live, past and present, like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer, Jan Hooks, Jane Curtain for a barrage of pantie wetting skits that will have them crying out for tissues and Depends. Who doesn't want to laugh? Seriously. Do you know anyone? (Well maybe the Queen of England... but then again you never know what she keeps inside those hats!)

Just when you think the show ends... Cher comes out and gives her 369,201.5 farewell performance and I join her on stage, singing her classic bomb (I still love it) "Walking in Memphis." But before Cher can leave there is a clash of thunder and there she is the queen of all: Madonna. Center stage. She says, "There's only room for one bitch on this stage. But tonight maybe there is room for one more."

She high kicks Cher and knocks her off the stage (Of course she doesn't get hurt because her entire body is now made of a durable plastic that will take 3,000 years to disintegrate). I clasp Madge's hand and we pump up her Music and shine across the audience like a Ray of Light, screaming that we still feels like it was 4 Minutes ago we were Like a Virgin and You'll See this whole night will feel like a Holiday as we get Into the Groove.

As the dawn light crackles across the charcoal sky, the revelers sway across the grassy knoll, away from glittering amphitheater each carrying a souvenir pink disco ball with the initial "P" on them. They think to themselves, this was the best time they had ever spent with a fake lady dancing around in women's panties.

9 comments   |   permalink flag for review